Carol, a young wife with an infant son, discovered her husband Ryan, a police officer, was in an adulterous relationship with a female coworker. When Carol confronted Ryan, he went into a rage, waving his police handgun and pointing it first at himself then at Carol and their baby. Carol fled for safety then came into the church office a week later.
“Do I have to stay in this marriage?” Carol asked. As her pastor, my first response was to show compassion and work with a team of church members to ensure Carol’s ongoing safety. But I also had a responsibility to give a clear answer to Carol’s question. Before God’s Word, what are her options? My understanding is that the Bible permits divorce and remarriage in particular instances. But not every Christian agrees with this conclusion. So what are the common evangelical views on divorce and remarriage, and how do we evaluate them biblically?
When I first entered pastoral ministry, I was aware that divorce is common, but I didn’t realize how many divorces and remarriages take place among Christians. I also wasn’t aware of how challenging and complex these situations can be pastorally. Evangelicals typically take one of two approaches to divorce and remarriage.
Some respected Bible teachers hold what is called the permanence view of marriage. Many who hold this perspective say a believer must never initiate a divorce, and all say that a divorced believer is not free to remarry so long as his or her former spouse is alive. While these teachers would sympathize with Carol and acknowledge her right to seek physical safety, when it comes to divorce and remarriage, they’d say we can’t let one person’s story overrule what they see as Scripture’s clear teaching.
On the other hand, the more mainstream evangelical view (as reflected in chap. 24 of the Westminster Confession of Faith ) teaches that while divorce always violates God’s ideal, he provides protection and an exception for a spouse whose partner has heinously violated the marriage covenant.
God designed marriage to be a lifelong covenant of companionship (Gen. 2:24). The biblical ideal isn’t merely that couples remain married but that they find great joy together (Eccl. 9:9). Because God joins a man and a woman in matrimony, marriage should be honored and protected (Matt. 19:6). We must guard our own marriages from infidelity and neglect. We also must respect the marriages of others through both our actions and the counsel we give.
We should never encourage unbiblical divorces. After all, some people are called by God to endure difficult marriages, many of which can be transformed by God’s grace. Due to our increasingly therapeutic culture and its expansive definitions of “abuse,” the pendulum has swung in our day from protecting marriage at the expense of not protecting victims of abuse to protecting alleged victims at the expense of not adequately protecting marriage. As a result, some unhappy spouses give up on their marriages too easily and divorce without biblical grounds. Yet, in both the Old and New Testaments, God does give biblical grounds for divorce.
The essence of divorce is the termination of marital obligations. As illustrated in Deuteronomy 24:1–4, this assumes and entails the freedom to remarry. While Jesus makes it plain that divorce and remarriage without biblical grounds is sinfully adulterous (Matt. 19:9; cf. 1 Cor. 7:10–11), he also acknowledges that those who are divorced are truly divorced (not still married in God’s eyes) and those who have remarried are truly married.
Given that God hates divorce, why does he permit divorce and remarriage? Jesus explains: “Because of your hardness of heart” (v. 8). In a fallen world, some spouses will break the marriage covenant; thus divorce must be regulated. While every divorce is due to human sin, not everyone who divorces sins. I’d argue that divorce for adultery shows how seriously the Lord takes violations of the marriage covenant. Divorce can offer protection for the innocent party, and a godly remarriage can be a blessing. So what are the instances when the Bible allows divorce and remarriage?
Those holding the mainstream view observe that Jesus twice declares divorce and remarriage are permitted in cases of sexual immorality (porneia, Matt. 5:32; 19:9). Advocates of the permanence view argue the clearest texts about divorce mention no exceptions (Mark 10:1–9; Luke 16:18) and that it’s explicitly stated one is only free to be remarried after the death of one’s spouse (Rom. 7:2–3; 1 Cor. 7:39). They also find support from church fathers who rejected all divorce and remarriage.
While every divorce is due to human sin, not everyone who divorces sins.
Some holding the permanence view claim the exception refers to adultery during betrothal but before marriage (see Matt. 1:18–19). But in Matthew 19, Jesus wasn’t being questioned about breaking an engagement but about married people divorcing and remarrying (vv. 3–5). Those holding to the permanence view have great difficulty explaining the porneia exception.
The mainstream view is that the Mark and Luke passages refer to the general rule about divorce, but as Matthew makes clear, there are exceptions. For example, a speed limit sign presents a general rule, but a speeding ambulance isn’t violating the law. The general rule is that marriage ends with the death of one’s spouse, but there are exceptions for divorce when one party violates the covenant.
Those who believe in the porneia exception must define the nature and extent of sexual sin that constitutes grounds for divorce. Some cases are clear, such as adultery and homosexual acts. In other cases, such as pornography or emotional affairs, wisdom is required.
My view is that pornography is generally less heinous than physical adultery, but it could be grounds for divorce if the guilty party refuses to fight this temptation and neglects his or her spouse, or in cases of illegal child pornography.
Sexual immorality doesn’t end the marriage; rather it gives the innocent spouse the right to divorce. In many cases, through repentance and forgiveness, such marriages can be saved or restored .
While Paul encourages believers who are married to unbelievers to remain in their marriages, he also states that if the unbeliever leaves, the believer is no longer bound (1 Cor. 7:12–16). This exception clearly applies when an unbelieving spouse initiates divorce or moves out.
I also believe willful neglect of marital responsibilities can be grounds for divorce. This is consistent with Exodus 21:10–11, which teaches that a wife whose husband fails to meet his basic marital responsibility to provide food, clothing, and conjugal rights can be free (presumably to remarry, cf. 1 Cor. 7:15, 39). As in cases of sexual immorality, wisdom is needed to discern what degree of neglect constitutes grounds for divorce. We’ve all fallen short of fulfilling our marriage vows.
In my view, the abandonment exception clearly applies in cases of willful, hard-hearted neglect by an unbeliever. But if the partner who abandons his spouse professes to be a believer, a process of confrontation and church discipline is appropriate to give the individual an opportunity to repent. Ideally, divorce should be delayed until such a time when the church has determined to treat the unrepentant spouse as an unbeliever.
Rather than seeing it as a third exception, it’s best to look at spousal abuse as a particularly heinous form of marital neglect. In recent years, churches have explicitly recognized that we must take seriously all patterns of oppression and coercion, not just physical violence. As with the other grounds for divorce, we need discernment to recognize the difference between ordinary marital conflict and abuse.
Rather than seeing it as a third exception, it’s best to look at spousal abuse as a particularly heinous form of marital neglect.
We don’t want to be guilty of encouraging anyone to violate Scripture by sinfully leaving a hard marriage or remarrying adulterously. Nor do we want to restrict people from enjoying the protection and freedom God gives to those whose spouses have irreparably broken the marriage covenant.
Carol’s case was clear. Ryan was unrepentantly in an adulterous relationship. He’d abusively threatened the lives of his wife and child as he sought to regain control. Our church leadership team reported Ryan to the authorities, and he’s no longer a police officer. They divorced. We looked on Carol as being like a young widow who’d benefit from being remarried (1 Tim. 5:14). After some time, the Lord provided a godly husband with whom she enjoys a happy and fruitful marriage.
It’s often because they’re just not ready. They may have grown up in solid Christian homes, been taught the Bible from a young age, and become faithful members of their church youth groups. But are they prepared intellectually ?
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Jim Newheiser (DMin, Westminster Seminary California) is the director of the Christian counseling program and professor of Christian counseling and pastoral theology at Reformed Theological Seminary, Charlotte. He is also executive director for the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship and serves on the boards of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) and the Biblical Counseling Coalition (BCC). He counsels married couples, teaches counseling and practical theology courses, and has written several resources on biblical counseling, ministry, and marriage. Jim is married to Caroline, and they have three adult children.
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